Psychology Session: POTC
by dreadlockedpencil
Summary: Liam Finch, the shrink of today, or tomorrow, interviews various characters from POTC, probing deep into their pasts, lives, thoughts, and feelings, finding out just what screwed them all up so bad. Rating for some language and mild content.
1. I Was a Cannibal, But Not Really

**All right! This story is just like the title says: A shrink interviews the characters of POTC! This should be interesting...**

**If you have any questions you want to ask the characters, then drop off a review. Or if you have any requests, the same to ya.**

**And about the shrink, I myself have never been to a therapist, (although I should be seeing one) so I am basing the shrink on the shrink of my imagination! She won't be so friendly though, so don't expect her to be. Quite the sarcastic one, actually. I've based her personality a bit on me (the sarcastic bits) and a bit on my friends. (The nicer bits)**

**And just so you know, I think it's obvious that Jack has crossed into the modern world since he's seeing a shrink. This is also indicated by a mention of credit cards.**

**And not to be a bitch with the long comments right here, but don't expect me to do all those apostrophes in Jack's dialogue. You know, when they go "Yer no' expe'tin' somethin'." and the like, as I don't think he talks like that in the movie. And also because I 'm lazy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. I own my shrink in the sense that I have created her. In my mind. I also don't own a few lines that will be mentioned at the end.  
**

_Let's start with a look in the waiting room... But first, I suggest you read my comments at the beginning of this chapter. I can't force you, but I suggest you read them._

_ **Note: I went back over this chapter and corrected some of the grammer and spelling. Nothing major though. I just tweaked it. You don't have to re-read it if you've already read it.**  
_

"Hmmmmmm... Hmmmmmm... Hmmm..." Jack Sparrow was bored. He was never one for patience. Or sanity. Not only that, but his chair was extremely uncomfortable.

He wondered why people insisted to furnish their waiting rooms-the rooms their customers spend the most time in- with horrible wooden chairs. And he also wondered why they populated their tables with useless women magazines, such as 'People' and 'Time.'

It was a load of rubbish if you asked him.

So, to relieve himself of his boredom, he had, without realizing, begun to hum. In the tune of the theme song to 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood,' a song that would become wedged into the mind of anyone who heard him.

"Hmmmmm hmm hm hm hm hm hm-"

"Would you stop that blasted humming!" yelled Elizabeth Swann angrily. She had been sitting beside the captain for a good hour and a half, and all that time he had been humming. Not only did it sound like a bee hive being run over with a lawn mower, but now she had the song stuck in her head.

"Is there a Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow here?" called a bored-looking secretary from the front desk. The things she put up with in a day. And they called this a 'career.'

Jack, who had just noticed her, smiled dashingly at her, as she was not too bad in the looks department. "Yes?"

The secretary rolled her eyes, although blushing slightly at the sudden attention. "You can go on in."

The secretary-who shall be called Willis from now on- pointed to a mahogany door to the right of her desk.

"Ta." said Jack, tipping his hat and giving her a wink as he walked through the door.

Will (Turner) sighed tiredly and grabbed the February issue of Jane Magazine, and became absorbed into an article titled "Softening those Coarse Hands."

"Hello there, darling." said Jack to the attractive therapist as he entered her small office.

"Sit." she said without looking up. She'd dealt with that kind of man before. Think they're God's gift to women or something.

"My name is Liam; I will be your therapist. You may call me Mrs." Liam paused to indicate her ring. "Finch."

Jack seated himself into a squishy brown armchair, looking the shrink up and down. Brown hair, blue eyes, smart brown suit. 'A challenge.' he thought to himself.

"So, Liam," he began. "Mrs. Finch." she interrupted. "Mrs. Finch, then."

"We'll begin with a brief history of your past. You will tell me about your childhood and present life," Liam glanced over her black clipboard. "And I will evaluate what I think are your problems. And remember, I said brief."

"Well," began Jack, raising his eyebrows as Liam raised her pen, poised to write. "When I was a boy, I lived with my father and mother. My mother was a very proper sort of woman, always making sure I was clean." Jack shuddered at the word.

Liam motioned for him to continue.

"I was tutored by a man named Giles when I was five; I infested his wig with spiders three months after he began. Needless to say, he quit." Jack grinned at the memory. "A new governor was hired, she was a pretty one, her name was Jane, and so she stayed until I was near fifteen. Then she got married, so I convinced her that I was a cannibal, though I don't remember how. Needless to say, she left."

Liam had barely written down a sentence and was already staring at him with a bored expression on her face. "Brief!" she said through a loud cough. Then she smiled almost apologetically. "I'm sorry, I have a throat cold. Go on then."

Jack glared and headed into his tale, rushing it along.

"Anyways, my new governess was a tough lad, so he stayed for a while. He taught me about ships and pirates and the code and whatnot. Terribly fascinating." Liam nodded, and began scribbling furiously. Jack raised his eyebrows. "My father wanted to marry me off to a young woman, terribly misshapen in the face area, but extremely rich. As you can imagine, I left and became a sailor. I enlisted in the navy for several months, got promoted to captain. We were captured midway to France, and I was given the choice to walk the plank or join the crew. I joined. Soon I got my own ship, the Black Pearl, and became captain."

Once again, Liam had stopped taking notes and yawned obviously.

"Barbossa marooned me and took my treasure, got curse by the treasure; I killed him and got me ship back. The end."

"Ahh." Liam glanced at her messy noted. Jack couldn't see, but her 'notes' were actually crude scribblings of Jack with a large potbelly eating a stack of pancakes. She stifled a smile as she cleared her throat. "What I got from that is that you are a nymphomaniac, pyromaniac, schizophrenic, compulsive liar and sociopath. And a compulsive drinker. What do you think of that?"

Jack opened his mouth to protest. Then he stopped and thought about it. "Hmm." he said, considering. "I think you got it. I do love fire, sometimes I see things and talk to myself, making up stories, and I am quite the socio. And who's to say I don't like my rum? But you got the nymphomaniac thingy wrong. I am far from it."

"HA!" yelled Liam. "HAHAHAHA!" the shrink bent over with laughter.

Jack crossed his arms indignantly and began to pout like a child. "I am not." He frowned almost angrily. "And you can't prove it!"

"That's what you think." said Liam, jabbing the pirate with her pen in the ribs savagely. Then she pulled out a large stack of papers. "Ow." muttered Jack as he rubbed his ribs sorely.

"These are your credit card bills." Liam said smartly, pulling out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and placing them on her nose.

"Credit card?" said Jack wrinkling his nose. "What's that?"

"Whenever you spend any money, even the smallest amount, your purchase and the amount you've spent is recorded. This is normally used for credit cards, but you don't have one, so this is what I got."

"Hmm."

"Stop humming every time I tell you something you don't like. It's dreadfully annoying."

"Hm- I mean, yes."

Liam glanced over the first page of the 'credit card bills,' listing everything on it, leaving out all the rum charges.

"Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, Bit Morty's House of Love," at this one a small smile flickered over the shrink's face. "Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, and condoms sized extra small, pros-"

"Hey!" interrupted Jack. "That last one's a lie."

Liam snorted and continued down the long list. "Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, Myrtle's House of Drag, Country Club in Barbados, prostitute, prostitute, and prostitute." she raised her eyebrows as she flipped to the next page. "Shall I continue?"

"NO! I mean... No. That's quite enough." Jack was getting annoyed. "I thought you people were supposed to make me feel better or cure me or something good."

"You're right." said Liam apologetically. "So let's get to it. We're going to do several activities. This first one is for something I can't remember. I'm going to hold up a card with a colour on it, and you'll tell me the first thing that pops into your head when you see it."

She held up a red card.

"Trees"

Blue.

"Grass."

Green.

"The sun."

"Are you on drugs?"

"It's what I think of!"

Pink.

"Fluffy bunnies. Wait! I mean... masculine stuff." Jack thought for a moment, blushing slightly. "Like... guns. Yeah, guns."

Liam made a small note on her clipboard. A drawing of Jack wearing a tutu and dancing with a little duck.

Black.

"Death."

"The first sane thing you've uttered all day." muttered Liam, drawing a small picture of a daisy on her clipboard."

Yellow.

"Blasting Barbossa to OBLIVION!"

"Let's start something else..." Liam suggested. "I'm going to say a word and you're going to say the first thing that pops into your head."

Jack shrugged. "You're sure this is doing something?"

"Positive. Happiness?"

"The Black Pearl."

"Sadness."

"Norrington."

"... Anger."

"Norrington."

"Hate."

"Barbossa. And Norrington."

"Anger."

"Didn't you just do that one?"

"Shut up. Anger."

"Bloody Elizabeth burned all the rum"

"Friend."

"The Black Pearl."

"Girl."

"Will."

"Boy."

"Anyone but Norrington."

"Man."

"Me."

"Woman."

"Lampshade." Jack grinned at his answer. Liam grimaced at how he could link a woman to a lampshade. (1)

"Pirate."

"Me."

"Inebriated."

"What?"

"...Drunk."

"Gibbs. No. Anamaria."

"Heaven."

"Bar."

"Hell."

"Norrington."

"That's enough of that..." said Liam, raising her eyebrows, still disturbed at Jack's answer to 'woman.' "This next exercise is supposed to help me see things through your mind. Although I'm not sure I want to anymore. I'm going to hold up a card with an inkblot on it and you'll tell me what you see."

She held up the first card.

"Ink?"

Liam groaned. This was getting to be a long session. "No. Something besides ink. Or paper. Think of what the shape reminds you of."

They tried again.

"That one's Barbossa drying on a clothesline. That one's Norrington eating his hat in anger because I've just escaped from him again." Jack looked at the next one thoughtfully. "That one's an army of kangaroos maiming Norrington in hell. That one's me having a picnic with my ship. That one's Norrington licking cereal off of a shark's tonsils. That one's Norrington being forced to walk on hot coals. And that one's-"

"Let me guess. Norrington?"

"No. Actually that's Will fucking Governor Swann. I don't know why I see that. It's rather disturbing." (2)

"...Um..." By now Liam was severely disturbed by Jack's point of view. "I sense a lot of anger towards this... Norrington. Would it make you more comfortable if he was here?"

Jack looked thoughtful again. (3) "Can I kill him?"

"No, but you can insult him all you want."

"I'm in."

"Would you like to bring in your friend Will? I've heard you two are rather close."

"Hmm." Jack hummed annoyingly. Liam shot him a warning look. Will guaranteed a few laughs, what with his being a eunuch. "Sure."

A/N:

(1) Kind of gross once you think about it. Like, _really_ think about how you can connect a woman to a lampshade… I don't know how I thought about that line. I just randomly typed lampshade and my mind went wild. If you don't get it, then that's okay. You don't have to think about it. But you will if you REALLY think about it.

(2) This is a funny line. This line is basically a line I found on another story called 'Purgatory' that has been deleted… Blasted rules…

(3) Scary to think of Jack looking thoughtful. Okay, that was harsh. I was joking.

Okay, so, next chapter will be Norrington, Will and Jack's session together. And the chapter after that will be another individual session with either Elizabeth or Norrington. So, let me know if you have a question or whatever. Reviews are always appreciated. Cheers! Bottom of Form


	2. He's A Womanizer

**GAHA! Haven't updated in a long long time. July 26, to be exact. And for that, I apologize profusely. I've been busy. Yes, my excuses suck, but it's the truth. Anyhow, I read the last chapter, and I laughed. It was funny. It was funny in that calm way. You know, that way that when the writer is writing, she's not hyper, and expects it to be not funny at all, but it turns out to be pretty funny. Anyways, let's move on...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. 'Tis a sad thing. For me.**

'Jack, Will, and Norrington's Session'

"So..." began Liam quietly, staring at each of her victim- I mean... patients, in turn. "From what Jack's told me, I've sensed that there are some... unresolved conflicts between Mr. Turner, Mr. Sparrow and you, Mr. Norrington."

Norrington frowned deeply.

"Did they tell you that I was gay? Because I'm not. They're always saying stuff like that." Jack snickered loudly, and Will grinned. "Or at least, the AUTHOR is always making them say stuff like that. EVEN THOUGH she's always mentioning that she doesn't think I'm a wimp."

"Authoress?" Liam looked interested.

"Yes. This is all a story, written by some bored chick with nothing better to do. She craves attention."

"I see..." This time Liam actually took a note. It read: 'Norrington seems to have some preconcieved notion that he is not real. Perhaps because of a childhood mishap?'

Then she drew a small charicture of Norrington in a clown costume with a small speech bubble that said, 'Stop laughing at me...'

She snickered lightly and the three men before her stared.

"It's nothing..." Norrington raised his eyebrow.

"Now, I believe that it would help if we talked over these 'unresolved issues' starting with the person that everyone seems to hate."

"Haha!" laughed Will as he pointed to Norrington. "It's YOU!"

"Actually," said Liam. "It's YOU Mr. Turner. Everyone rag on him."

Naturally, she was originally going to say Norrington, but after Will laughed at him, it seemed only fair that everyone's favorite (or not favorite) boy-toy got to be nagged.

Jack laughed. "HA! You're the HATED ONE!"

"Why am I the hated one?" Will whined, looking like he was about to cry.

Liam shrugged. "Jack, why don't you go first. What do you hate about Will?"

Jack looked thoughtful. "Well, he is a bit of a wimp. And a pretty-boy. And a stalker. And a simpleton, even though he says he's not. And he has an abnormal fascination with his blacksmithing. And-"

"Hey!" Will interrupted. "That's not fair. Why can't we make fun of Jack for once? Everyone loves him! It's not fair..."

"Huh?" Liam looked up from her almost-covered piece of paper. "Oh. Jack, why don't you tell me why you think that of Will?"

"He's a stalker because he stalked Elizabeth. She obviously loved him and he obviously loved her. Why couldn't they have just banged each other and gotten it over with?" Will blushed at the mention of banging. "He's a wimp because he's a pretty-boy, and he's a pretty-boy because he's a wimp. He's a simpleton because he kept denying that his father was a pirate even though the evidence was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Shall I continue?"

"Naw, we're good." Norrington grinned at the angry blacksmith-turned-pirate. "What about YOU Norrington. What do you think about Will?"

"Oh no..." moaned Will.

"Well, I agree with Jack's statements. And I would like to add a few of my own." Liam nodded. Will put his head in his hands. Even his ears were red. He made a strangled sound, as if he was about to cry. Poor dear. "I think he is way overrated. I mean, the little wanker spent three hours a day practicing his swordplay. A bit much. And even then, he lost to a pirate. It's so Princess Bride. And also... Actually, that's it."

Liam was writing again. For real. 'Will seems to be extra sensitive to criticism. Perhaps because of a childhood mishap? Or perhaps because of a... childhood mishap?'

"All right." she said finally after a long silence. Actually, it wasn't really silent. Jack was snickering, Norrington was gloating, and Will was about almost sobbing. "Why don't you tell us about why you agree or disagree with those statements?"

"No comment." he said through strangled cries.

"Okay." Liam said happily, turning to a new page. "Now let's go on Jack."

Will suddenly sat up, a malicious grin forming on his face.

"Jack is a complete womanizer, a whore junkie, a possible transvestite/drag queen, a drunk, strangely obsessed with his ship, strangely obsessed with Barbossa, whom he claims to hate, no life whatsoever other than his ship, a whore himself, and a complete idiot." Will took a deep breath before starting again. "And no one ever knows what he is talking about."

Liam glanced at Norrington.

"I have nothing to add. Turner got it all." Will grinned at the commodore.

"And why do you think that, Will?"

"He's a womanizer because all he sees in women is sex," Norrington was looking interestedly at Will by now, whereas Jack was wincing at every word, cowering in his seat. "He's a whore junkie because he's had sex with many a prostitute, he's a possible transvestite because I once caught him wearing a dress and wearing womne's shoes, talking to himself in the mirror. He's a drunk because he drinks, he's always talking to his ship, always talking about Barbossa, sleeps with many women, and never shuts up. And no one ever knows what he's talking about."

"You said that already."

"I know." Jack was now standing up, looking at Will furiously.

"And after all I've done for you..." Will shrugged.

"I have a short attention span."

"Uh huh..." Liam pointed to Norrington. "Now let's all nag Norrington."

"Why does everyone call me Norrington?" wondered Norrington aloud. "I do have a first name you know."

"We know. But Norrington suits you better."

"Ah. Carry on then."

"Norrington's a wimp." Jack said. "And... a wimp."

Will looked confused. "Actually, yeah. That's all we've got on him. Oh yeah, and he wears ugly wigs."

Liam frowned.

"So let me get this straight," she was now pointing her pen savagely at Will. "You both hate him for no reason whatsoever? That's harsh. I should beat you right now. With an ugly stick. Times two!"

"Actually," cut in Norrington. "I'm not even a wimp. I AM part of the Navy you know. And up to about the 1900s the British had the best Navy in the world. And the wig is part of my job."

He pulled his powdered wig off his head, revealing very plain brown hair.

"Aww." whined Will. "He's not even bald. We got nothing on him!"

"Honestly." Liam said crossly. "You are both idiots! I'm chraging you both an extra 50 bucks because of that."

"Do I get a discount?" asked Norrington hopefully.

"No."

"Okay."

"Damn." commented Jack. "That's pretty darn sad. But I still hate him."

"Fair enough."

"All right." said Liam finally. "I've come to the conclusion that Norrington is pretty much sane, other than his odd belief that we're all 'part of a story', and therefore must come back for several sessions. You, Will, will get one personal session, combined with various other joint sessions. And Jack."

"Yes?" said Jack charmingly.

"Go get checked for herpes and the like. You will be expected for another session some other time. Oh yes, and this session has been a complete waste of time. Unless you like Norrington now, Will?" Will shrugged.

"Eh. He's okay. It's a work in progress." Liam nodded.

"Okay. So not a complete waste of time. But close to it."

**A/N: I thought that that wasn't all that funny. But maybe you do. And in the future, I'll try and update more often. I promise.**


	3. Norrington's Favorite Colour

**Heh heh, I've been watching potterpuppetpals... Awesome... Anyways, I'd like to thank all my reviewers IMMENSELY! And, just for Charlotte Norrington, this session will be the session of Governor Swann, with a small segment of the waiting room.**

**Anyways, I promise to continue updating more often.**

**Hope you like this one:)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. It.**

"Do you have any gum?" Gov. Swann looked at the former pirate --and dead-- captain disgustedly. Barbossa was staring at the old man tiredly, holding out his hand expectantly. Swann was surprised to see him.

_Note: Oh yeah, and I'm changing the rating to M after this chapter. That's your hint that it's going to get a little more... disturbing in later chapters._

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Barbossa shrugged in response. He hadn't, in fact, been dead. Jack was a crappier shot than he thought. Or maybe he wasn't... LET'S FIND OUT! Or not. I'm too lazy to think of anything.

The point was that Barbossa had put a ketchup sandwich in his shirt, saving it for later. Now Jack, being the crappy... thingy that he is, hadn't realized and shot him in the sandwich. Barbossa would've gone on to kill Jack, but he fainted because he was so distraught from the death of his beloved ketchup sandwich.

But of course, Barbossa didn't want to explain all this to some random ugly old man in a freaky-ass wig, so he just shrugged.

"Do you have gum or not?"

"Yes."

"Can I have some?"

"No." Barbossa narrowed his eyes evilly.

"Why not?"

"Because you're a dirty pirate."

"And you're a dirty old man." Swann raised his eyebrow.

"Ouch, well played." Barbossa grinned and shoved a filthy hand in from of Gov. Swann's face.

"Are you going to give me gum now?" Swann shook his head, looking repulsed at Barbossa's hand. "I'll tell you a secret if you do..."

Swann shoved a piece of Juicy Fruit Gum into Barbossa's hand. Not that hard white crap, the original stick kind.

"So what's the secret?" Barbossa grinned again, looking evil.

"While your daughter was on my ship, I had my way with her." Of course, by 'having his way with her,' Barbossa meant that he had built a bonfire next to her and danced around the ship wearing nothing but a stack of pancakes. You figure out how that works. Because I can't. But I will. Probably.

Governor Swann assumed that by 'having his way with her,' Barbossa meant that he ate her toes. He glanced furtively at Elizabeth's shoe-clad feet.

"Great." he muttered sourly. "Now I'll have to buy her some new ones."

Barbossa raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Instead, he popped the stick of Juicy Fruit into his mouth.

"Is there a Gavin Swann here?" Willis --the secretary-- called out from behind her desk, ignoring Jack. Jack was leaning charmingly on her desk, looking at her interestedly and wiggling his eyebrows. He was probably telling her about his amazing adventures on the seas. Not that she cared. But she did. But I won't go into that.

"You're name's Gavin?" Will raised his eyebrows.

"No." Swann got up and out of his chair and headed towards the shrink's office. "It's Grover. I guess she read it wrong. Or I spelled it wrong. Either one."

"So, Grover is it?" Liam looked at the strange man before her. The mix of white curly wig and high-waisted pants was not attractive.

"Yep." Liam motioned towards the squishy (!) brown chair, and Swann sat down in it. "And you are...?"

"Liam Finch." But Swann was too busy poking the squishy (!)ness of the chair. Ah, how we love the squishy (!). "So, Grover. Let's start with a brief explanation of your past, as well as what you think is wrong with you."

"Well, I was always the rich spoiled kid. But I was also the fat kid." Swann looked sadly at the ground. "And I was bald too. So I got home schooled. And then all of a sudden I was old and had a daughter. It was odd... I don't know what's wrong with me."

Liam frowned. 'What the fuck?' she thought. "Okay... let's do an activity... I'll hold up a card with an inkblot on it, and you tell me what it looks like to you."

"That one's a wig, that one's a kinder surprise chocolate, that one's a ship, that one's a cup... or a squirrel. I can't tell." he pointed at each of the pictures every time. "And that one's... not Norrington and his sexy wig. It's a bunny."

"...All right..." Hmm. So it 'wasn't' Norrington... Liam sensed some non-hating feelings from Gov. Swan towards Norrington... "Now I'll say a word and you'll tell me the first thing that comes to mind."

"Okay."

"Love."

"...Not Norrington. Elizabeth. But in a totally fatherly way. Not that wrong dirty-old-man way..."

"...Hate."

"Coffee. Nasty stuff. Chocolate's better."

"...Happiness."

"Chocolate."

"...Sadness."

"No chocolate."

"...Anger."

"... That stupid blacksmith simpleton Will Turner! I hate him! HE SHOULD DIE!"

"I'm sensing some tension between you and Will Turner." Liam thought about it for a while. "Actually, between Will and everyone."

"I wouldn't be surprised. We have a club. We're planning to lynch him later on this month."

"O...kay..."

"Are you sure this is helping?"

"Have you been talking to Jack Sparrow lately?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Liam shrugged.

"Trust me. It helps." Gov Swann looked at her doubtfully. "And if it doesn't, it at least gives me a slight form of entertainment to mull over for the rest of the day."

"Oh. Okay then." Liam picked up another pile of cards and held them up.

"I'm going to hold up a colour, and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind." Swann nodded.

Red.

"Norrington's ring."

Blue.

"Norrington's uniform."

Yellow.

"Norrington's favorite colour."

"Oh... my... God..." Liam muttered as she held up the final card, in pink.

"That would be a bunny. Or one of them pink marshmallows."

"So, I take it you're feeling some... feelings to wards Commodore Norrington." Swann frowned.

"What gave you that idea?" Liam reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small 76-page book of pictures of Norrington.

"How did you know I had that?" Governor Swann asked, blushing profusely.

"I have x-ray vision."

"Ah." Liam shrugged. "Touché."

"OKAY!" he started bawling. "YOU CAUGHT ME! I love... Norrington... He's just so hard to resist! With his pale face and almost-unibrow eyebrows..."

Liam coughed loudly to cover up her laugh.

"It's not funny you know..."

"I'm sorry..." she laughed a little more."Okay, go on then."

"There's nothing left to say." he shrugged. "I feel so exposed..."

"Ah yes, well, funnily enough." Liam glanced at the clock. For once her clipboard was blank. "You're hour's up. This session's over. From what you just told me, I've deciphered that you're just odd. And gay. See you tomorrow."

"Um... okay..." Swann left the office slowly, glancing at Liam quickly. "See you... tomorrow..."

"It's just stealing how I charge them for this..."

**A/N: If you liked this story, you'll probably enjoy my other POTC stories, titled "Of Corsets, Eunuchs, Rum and YO MAMA" and "When Randomness Attacks." And that really sounded like some crap advertisement. Whatever...**

**Anyways, thanks again to **bonnythebunnyLinzy Charlotte Norrington DeppDRACOmaniac**, and **Captain-Ammie**. WOOT FOR YOU!  
**


	4. Minus One!

**I know, I know. I took too long. But at least I know it! This one's Elizabeth's session. With a possible squirrel cameo. Ah yes, and a bit of waiting room.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

"I do think I'm wonderful." commented Jack idly, staring at the ceiling. Once again, he was trying to seduce Willis. But in talking, he had driven her further from him than ever before!

At first he was sexy. Then he was cute. But by now, after all his stories, he was just some dumb guy looking for attention.

While he was somewhat fun to look at, it was almost impossible to get any work done with him chattering at her like a stereotypical cheerleader. Hey! That gives me an idea! Muahahaha…

Not that she actually had any work. She was just updating her stories on fanfiction, like a good little girl.

"GASP!" she yelled suddenly. Jack seemed unphased. "IS THAT A WRINKLE?"

She pointed savagely at his face.

"What? WHERE!" he immediately pulled out the powder puff and mirror and spent the next half hour examining himself.

"Is there an Elizabeth Swann here?" Elizabeth looked up from her magazine. So she reads Today's Parent. Interesting…

"That's me!" Willis raised her eyebrow.

"Are you by chance related to Grover Swann?"

"Who's that?"

"Your father."

"Oh."

"Well that's interesting…" Elizabeth looked confused.

"What's interesting?" Willis looked like a stoner for a moment.

"I dunno." Elizabeth frowned and walked into Liam's office, and sat down in the squishy (!) chair.

"Hello there, Elizabeth." Already Liam had some idea of what she would be writing/doodling.

"Hello." Elizabeth's eyebrow was cocked at a weird angle. Liam drew an exaggerated picture of her eye.

"So, would you like to tell me a little bit about yourself?" Elizabeth did her eyebrow-cocky thing again. "Start with your childhood, maybe?"

"Well, when I was a child," she began, fiddling with the squishy (!)ness of the chair. "I was a prissy little thing. You know, listening to Hilary Duff as much as I could, dressing like an oversexed Britney Spears, dancing like a stripper. That sort of thing. My parents spoiled me a lot. And then my parents told me that my mother was pregnant. Well, I'd had a few friends who'd had little brothers or sisters, and they were totally left out once the younger thing was born. I didn't want that, so I slipped my mother some rat poison. You know, to kill the baby. Anyways, it ended up killing them both."

It was Liam's turn to do her eyebrow-cocky thing. On her page, she wrote, 'Seems to have some anger issues. Perhaps because of a childhood mishap?'

"So, when I was a teenager, I was that rebel type, you know, listening to Manson, black clothing, massive amounts of eyeliner, sneaking out to band the local husbands. That type of thing. But I grew out of that. And then I was just a normal person. Except I became a pirate first. But I got killed like 30 times, so I quit."

"Uh huh…" Naturally, Liam had been barely listening to this long rant. Instead, she'd been composing a short story, that went something like this:

'Once upon a time there was a kangaroo named Jenny. Jenny liked dogs. When she grew up, she wanted to be a dog. But when she was 14, she figured out that she couldn't be a dog unless she had extensive surgery done. The end.'

She was quite proud of it. It was a nice story. It should be published.

"Go on." she murmured. She was actually talking to the picture of Elizabeth in a dog costume, but you know. People like to hear what they want.

"So then I was captured by Barbossa, and he turned me into his little look-at thing. It was okay, I guess. Then Will rescued me and we made out. Of course, this was before I found out he was gay. So you know. We broke up. it was for the best. That marriage could have been awkward."

"Yes, that's right, dance, monkey, dance."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"So… do you have anything to tell me then?"

"Huh? Oh... Sure." Elizabeth frowned. "Right, well, it seems you have some unresolved issues between you and… your mom?"

Elizabeth gasped.

"GASP! That is sooooooooo true!" Liam sighed with relief. The last thing she needed right now was someone finding out that she had no qualifications whatsoever to be a shrink. I mean… that she never… listened?

"What I got from that was that you are incredibly spoiled and hate fudge." Elizabeth clapped her hands a bit. I guess her meds are wearing off. "Well, let's move on. I'm going to show you a picture of a colour and you tell me what it makes you think about. Although, seeing as you hate fudge, we might as well just check you in the loony bin right now."

Red.

"Hearts."

Yellow.

"Stars."

Black.

"Horseshoes."

Green.

"Clovers."

Liam got a weird look in her eye. Uh oh…

"HEARTS STARS AND HORSESHOES, CLOVERS AND BLUE MOONS! POTS OF GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND A RED BALLOON!"

There was an awkward silence in the room. Obviously Elizabeth didn't know how to read, or she could have read the sign over the entrance door that said, 'Do not mention hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, blue moons, pots of gold, rainbows, or red balloons anywhere near Ms. Finch. May cause random breaking out in song.'

"Ahem. Yes, well, shall we move on?" Twitch. "Very good. I'm going to show you an inkblot and you will tell me what it resembles to you."

"Uh… right… Well that one's Will kissing Norrington, which is not just my imagination, but something that… did… not… happen." Elizabeth frowned. She wasn't supposed to tell anyone that one. "And that one's pixie dust, that one's Barbossa eating pie, that one's my dad eating Barbossa, that one's a pie eating my dad. Vicious circle. And the last one's fudge. I hate fudge."

Liam jabbed Elizabeth none too gently in the ribs.

"Minus one point for hating fudge."

"Wha—"

"Minus one!" Liam brandished her pen savagely. "Would you like to make it minus two?"

Elizabeth shook her head, scared of what havoc Liam could wreak.

Willis tapped her knuckle on the door gently.

"You're over." Elizabeth raised her eyebrow.

"Wow. That went by quickly." Liam mused. "Well, seeing as you're too messed up to finish in one session, I'm going to schedule you in for another time. And don't forget: Minus one."

**A/N: Liam got a little crazy in that one. Ah well. Next one will be Barbossa. Cheers.**


	5. Jack's A Bloody Idiot

**Woot. Very fast update. Just for you guys, because you have been very patient with me. Kiss kiss.**

**So, this is a Barbossa session. 'Nuff said.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

"What the hell are you doing?" Barbossa looked up Everyone had gravitated towards him to see what he was doing. Except Jack. He was still talking to Willis. Except Willis was watching Barbossa as well. Silly Jack, Trix are for kids!

Out of sheer boredom, Barbossa had, unknowingly began to move his ears. And not that almost-normal-slightly-twitch-your-ears kind of moving your ears, but the flap-your-lobes-bend-your-cartilage type of moving your ears. Naturally, this had attracted some attention from pretty much everyone in the waiting room. Except Jack. He's so vain. And fine.

"Willis, are you going to send me a patient any time soon?" Willis continued to stare at the oddness that was Barbossa. "Willis? Willis! Dammit, Willis, answer me!"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Drake Barbossa, go on in."

"What are we staring at?" whispered Will. Pfft, silly Will. Well, more stupid than silly. But have it your way.

Barbossa put down his magazine (Seventeen. We'll touch that later. If I remember.) and slunk into Liam's room. The monkey leaped in after him and settled into the corner of Liam's office. She decided to ignore it.

"Hello, Barbossa." Liam looked the almost-corpse up and down. We'll put it bluntly: He was ugly.

"Um... I'm Liam Finch." Barbossa growled in reply. Testy. Testy is spelled almost like 'Tetley' but not the same. Wow. Learned something new today.

"So, what are we starting with?" Liam snickered. He sounded like the British version of a hick. Those crazy hicks...

"Well, I was thinking that we'd begin with a short history of yourself. Maybe tell me a bit about your childhood?"

"Okay." settling into the squishy (!) brown chair and looking like the guy from Masterpiece Theatre (yeah, yeah, he doesn't really.) he began his long and somewhat boring story.

"Well, I was born to an ex-prostitute named Jenny and a baker named Coffloffum. Yeah, I said it. Well, I grew up pretty well. Not spoiled, but not dead poor. And I was okay, until the Russians blew up my house and my family. Then I had to have extensive plastic surgery to become a woman so that I could prostitute myself in order to get money."

"Couldn't you just have gotten a job?" Liam mumbled without really listening.

"Oh, it's easy to think of. But have you any idea how hard it is to get a job as a prostitute when you're a man?" Liam raised an eyebrow and shook her head. She began writing on her paper. 'It seems that Barbossa has some preconceived notion that he needs to be a prostitute. Perhaps because he is so damn ugly?'

"Anyways, I became a prostitute, and I slept with Jack Sparrow. He told me of the sea and how wonderful it was. So I asked him if I could become part of his crew. He said that the ocean was no place for a woman, so I got more surgery to become a man. Although, I never got my manhood back. You know, in the pants?" Barbossa pointed to his nether regions. Of course, he meant his toes, but Liam thought what you probably think. The fact was that he always had his... manhood... even after the surgery. It's a wonder that Jack never noticed. Must touch on that later...

"So, I became a part of Jack's crew as a man. Well, he was a bloody idiot. He never read maps right, was always staggering drunk and never really shut up. Seeing as everyone hated him, we asked him for the bearings of that Isla thingy where the treasure was and marooned him. And then we got the treasure. And we became immortal. And then Jack shot my ketchup sandwich and left me for almost-dead. The end."

Scarily, Liam had actually been listening to his story. She pondered this. So Barbossa wasn't the criminal that everyone thought he was. He was just an every-day transsexual who hated Jack. And she didn't blame him. Jack was a blubbering idiot. Not bad looking, mind you, but a complete moron.

"Very well." Liam did her impression of Snape. A bad impression. He does say 'very well' a lot though. Count em. "Well, for our next activity, I'll show you a card with a colour on it and you can tell me what that colour reminds you of. Deal?"

Barbossa nodded. Liam held up the first card.

Green.

"Jack's favorite nail polish colour. Especially on his toes."

Red.

"Aaron Carter." (Don't pretend like you don't know who I'm talking about.)

Pink.

"Fluffy bunnies."

"You know, " began Liam before holding up the next card. "That is by far the most popular answer for when I show the pink card. "

Orange.

"A Hawaiian Luau!"

Blue.

"The sky."

Liam put down the pile of cards.

"You know, I actually do not know the point of this activity. I seriously don't." Barbossa frowned.

"Why do you do it then?"

"Eh, it makes it seem like I have some sort of idea of what I'm doing." She shrugged. "Well, next I'm going to show you an inkblot and you're going to tell me what the blot reminds you of."

"Well, that one's Cotton's parrot, nasty thing, that one's Elizabeth complaining about how bony her toes are, the next one's a pair of socks and the last one's Jack dying a long, painful, gory, prolonged death from a pair of swizzle sticks."

"Oh, or a squirrel."

Liam twitched.

"Okay, well, our time's up." Once again, another long hour. She was charging extra for this one, because she actually listened. "I'm going to schedule you for another session with Jack. It seems like you hate him. Not that I blame you."

Barbossa left with a grunt, taking his monkey with him.

Another day.

**A/N: Any of you heard of The Living Things? Nobody has... Anyways, another chapter, just for you. Next chapter Barbossa and Jack.**


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